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[May. 22nd, 2012|06:17 am] |
My spirit has been focused on the unity of my marriage with Gwen. Not to say we're on the rocks or anything because that is certainly not the case but in the midst of me trying to get a new job and building up my art skills, cultivating that oneness in marriage is pretty difficult.
Thinking about trying to build greater unity (I keep wanting to capitalize Unity because it's a game engine--haha) is hard because it does require me to be vulnerable. The thought of being vulnerable in front of Gwen isn't as disturbing as it sounds but it's the thought of just being vulnerable--I don't like it.
At the end of the day, I've never wanted this marriage to be two individual lives coming together in house. I wanted two individual lives to blend together in one house. I'm just not sure how to do it.
One way I've read a whole lot is praying together. We do this every once in a blue moon but I think it's time to get serious about it. I think there are some things neither of us will be able to conquer unless we invite God together so I need to remember to pencil this in for work.
But I'm going to talk to Gwen about other ways we can blend our lives together. I don't want my life to just be mine and hers be hers. If that was the case then I wouldn't have married her. So we'll see what happens. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2012|09:37 pm] |
In trying to talk about my feelings concerning this whole corporate prayer thing, I didn't get very far. See, I'm very ashamed of my problem. I shouldn't have it. I know the word and I know what I should be doing yet the fear of judgement is what pops in my mind. I don't think anyone would in this group would but I can't help but think that someone would do it and I don't want to deal with that sort of rejection. All I'm trying to do at the end of the day is pray to God.
The stupid thing is that I'm guilty of it anyway. Even tonight, I was getting slightly annoyed that her prayer was going so long and even questioning the genuineness of her passion. Of course, it was real but if I have those type of thoughts then surely someone else does. And it's not like I want to have those thoughts and I try to dwell on them. That's the crappier part. They just come. I wish they didn't. I don't even know why they do. But I'm not exclusive. I'm sure someone else has those type of thoughts also.
I guess I'm the self-righteous one in this situation as if I don't want the thoughts, why would someone else want the thoughts too? Why would Mike willingly dwell on those thoughts? Or Rita? Or Tameah? Or Gwen? They have the right intentions just as I do. Why do I feel so weighed down by this? It can't be self-righteousness cause then my prayers would be more boastful. My problem is that I freeze up out of fear of someone judging me.
I've always struggled with people judging me because I was trying to do something right. I've been made fun of because I wanted to do the right thing. I've been scoffed at for doing the right thing. I've always just wanted to do the right thing and it's always, always gotten on other people's nerves. Even at work, staff know that "Mr. Anthony follows the rules," and they always say it to the kids when they get mad at me. Yet, up until recently, no one has really said anything to me about doing the right thing.
In this case, I view "the right thing" as praying corporately. It's what I should do but because I don't do it well, people will judge me. I don't know. All I know is that in my mind, when I want to pray in public all I can think about is how people may judge me, ridicule me, scoff at me or whatever else because of the way I pray and how I don't want that. So I avoid. Any time I do, it's because I force myself to but at the end of it, it's like I release my breath like I just held it for as long as I prayed. I got through it and no one said anything--yet.
Maybe I'm just scared cause I know I do it sometimes. I don't even know why I do it though. I know sometimes I listen judging to see if what people are saying is going to be unbiblical because I don't want to just agree with anything. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've had to do that--not that I remember but that may be why I'm scared. I know I have the right heart when I pray (barring I really do have a right heart) but I don't know if others do. But I don't think that's necessarily the point.
I don't know what the point is. The point could be a mix-up of all of these things. It could be one of these things. Who knows? I surely don't. God does but I'm too scrambled right now.
It even happens with Gwen too. Maybe that's I forget to do prayer with her because I subconsciously don't want to do it. Although I don't judge her prayers cause I know her heart.
I don't know. What I do know is that it all comes down to fear of man. Which of course, is not good. Of course. I know that. This is why I force myself to pray sometimes but doing that is not solving the problem. I really wish I didn't ever care what man thought of me. I wish their thoughts, good or bad, never mattered. But nope, I struggle because I'm stuck in a world that is full of people who make fun of others that want to do what's right. Stupid fallen world.
Lord, I need to overcome this man-pleasing crap. Badly. I don't want to care what any of them think about the way I live my life and the fact that I want to do right. No one. I don't want to be unloving but I don't want to care if anyone makes fun of me or disagrees my decision to do right. I hate it. It hinders me too much in too many areas of my life. I'm tired of being the footstool. I want to be the example. God, I know you can use my life as example because I want to do what is right. I want to follow your rules but I can't until I am free from this man-pleasing crap. God, redeem me from it. Break it off in every area and then annihilate it to dust--smaller than dust. No more trace. Transform me. Turn me into the man I'm supposed to be and may walk be like your walk. I won't be perfect, I won't be flawless and I'll still have plenty of issues with my flesh and thoughts but may I no longer be hindered by the spirit of man-pleasing. Reduce it to nothingness Master. You have the control. You have the power. I command it to be destroyed in your Son's name, Jesus. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2012|06:25 am] |
I was reading my Bible this morning and Psalm 46:1 stuck out to me.
God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
That resonated with me because I am in trouble right now. It's more like peril but it is there. I hate my job and I'm fighting a bad attitude all the time. So, it is in these times where I go to God--and He's always ready to help.
I'm constantly exasperated and even the thought of going to my job is depressing but when I am feeling like this, I go to God who is my refuge and more importantly right now, my strength. And He's always ready to help.
I might think, "Well, how do I know?" Because I am a friend of God because I have accepted His Son as my Lord and Savior. That being the case, God is willing to help me in my time of trouble. No matter how small it may seem, He is always ready to help in my time of trouble. Physical trouble. Emotional trouble. Spiritual trouble. It doesn't matter. He's always ready to help in times of trouble.
When I've lost all my strength, which I have, I can get His strength. When I haven't lost all my strength, I can get His. He's always ready to help.
He's at the battle station constantly ready to help the ones He created. That's pretty crazy.
That also sets an example for me for the way I should live. I should always be ready to help people in times of trouble--following the example of my Father. Not only should I call on Him but I should also be like Him and in this time of my life, I need help and I need to be help to others. How terrible would it be for me to not help others and then expect God to help me. That's just stupid. I'm not going to help people just so God can help me but it seems only Christ-like to help others when they need my help as God would help me when I need His help.
If others don't know how to cry out to God yet, then that's okay. They can lean on me for a time, as I lean on Christ but at some point, they're going to have think about going to the same person that I go to. I'm only human. I can't do everything God can do. Why go to a limited, faulty resource when someone can go to an unlimited, perfect source?
God is my refuge and my strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. That is a good God to be able to do something like that for us. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2012|10:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
There's been a lot going on in my heart and I am full of all kinds of nonsense because I'm not being the type of person I'm supposed to be. At work, I'm impatient with the kids, annoyed by them constantly and have willingness to love them. My fuse is short with my job and it's not really the kids' fault but to some extent, I am tired of seeing the same behaviors over and over again with little change.
I asked God last night and I forget exactly what I asked him but I remember the answer he gave me: unconditional love. I am guilty of not showing unconditional love. My love has been very conditional lately and it's burning in me. Why should my love be conditional? I sin just as much as the kids do except my sin is a different kind. But I am just as guilty as them. They don't do what they are supposed to do which is follow directions and work their program and I don't do what I'm supposed to do which is to love them unconditionally. I am just as guilty. Yet, I know what I need to do but I let my circumstances prevent me from doing it.
The kids are exasperating. They are impatient, demanding, obnoxious and socially messed up. Their demand for attention is like that of a four year old. Their fuses are set off by things like not being able to pour their own sugar. They have no respect for staff. At the end of the day, it's all very, very exasperating. Yet, I am not supposed to be moved by any of that. I am supposed to see all that, know that is how they are and deal with it accordingly. I am supposed to take my exasperation to God and let Him help me. But I do not. I try to fight through it myself and figure it out myself instead of going to the source who'd be able to get me through.
Yes, I hate my job but I don't hate the kids. Therefore, I shouldn't take it out on the kids. I am guilty of not showing unconditional love but that is going to change. That is what I am supposed to be doing despite what they do. And yes, they get mad at every discipline and every decision that they don't like but if I deem that is what needs to be done for their sake, then they can be fools about it but I will continue to show them unconditional love. God has placed me here to do that because who else will? Granted, I will be moving on but while I am there, I am supposed to be practicing showing unconditional love. Being kind, patient, among other things.
God, please forgive me for not showing unconditional love as You would do and have done for me. I repent and will practice showing unconditional love, specifically in kindness and patience. Also, help me go to Yu when I do become exasperated or when I do feel impatience or unkindness coming on.
Unconditional love is the way God reaches people and if I'm going to show these kids love, it has to be unconditional. They are used to no love or conditional love. That is what I'm supposed to do. Whether they receive it or not is up to them and nothing to do with me but regardless how they respond, whether they want to threaten me, cuss me out, throw things at me, try to hurt me, belittle me, disrespect me, etc, while I will give them consequences for their actions, I will continue to love them. Because that is what God wants me to do anyway. |
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| Pinpointing Rejection |
[May. 11th, 2012|10:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
One of my kids at work really doesn't like me and rejects me a whole lot and I find myself wanting him to like me. I think about it and it's so childish of me to think that way but there must be some unresolved rejection inside me. It's not like I actually care if the kid likes me or not but I feel this tugging at me to try to get him to like me because I do have good things to offer him and I'm not out for his bad.
But it hasn't just happened with him either. It's happened with other people. Anyone who seems like they reject me, I try to get them to like me. This probably stems from being bullied growing up and the way I stopped being bullied was becoming like the people that bullied me. I didn't start bullying people but I just adopted the personalities of the people that bullied me because that would make me "cooler" and I would stop being bullied. And it worked.
Now, here I am, 25 years old still dealing with the same thing. It's a demon that needs to go. It's getting on my nerves because I don't want to do things like this especially when it comes to kids. I understand people will reject me because they don't like me for whatever reason. Maybe I didn't smile that morning for whatever reason. Maybe I was too honest with them. Perhaps I was too straightforward. I could have sounded bossy. I could have not said anything to a person not really realizing it. I don't have it out to be mean to anyone so when I am rejected, it sucks. But that's life. People are going to reject me for whatever reason and it's not my job to get them to like me.
I am a child of God and I am not rejected by God. I am fully accepted by Him and if every one else on this planet rejects me for who I am and how I act, then so be it. As weird as I am, I do have something to offer. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2012|10:21 pm] |
There are some things I really love about my wife and two of them popped up today. One was when I was at work and she was out shopping for cards and when she was out, she asked if I wanted her to get a card for my mom while she was there and for some reason, that really made me feel loved and helped out. It was nice of her to do that because the reality for me is that it'd probably be down to the last second before I got my mom a card because I feel like I have so much to accomplish especially with the art thing.
The other thing she did was allow me to get another Eat3D DVD for modeling, texturing and baking--a DVD called "Old Damaged Pillar" which goes through the entire process of creating something, baking it and texturing it. It was something I really needed and I had previously told her that what she had let me get was enough but I hit a few issues that I was not anticipating and by the grace of God she let me get it.
Speaking of the DVD, it is very, very good. It's a little fast but this is the most Riki Babington has explained anything which is nice of him to do. It was nice to see some sculpting done even though it was Mudbox and I have Zbrush.
I'm also pretty upset at the Lakers right now. They're doing terrible against the Nuggets. They can't go home and do this. They needed to win tonight to get a little extra rest but now they're going to have to take the battle, and the Nuggets' momentum with them. Not the way I wanted this to happen. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2012|05:52 am] |
Complimenting My Wife
I read this devotional today that talked about complimenting your wife and as I was reading it, I began to feel convicted. I realized I don't really do it that much. My thing is that I don't like to be repetitive and because of that, I don't want to say my comments. The guy that wrote the article said he would keep a list of things he could compliment his wife on in his car and he'd run through it and compliment her on one of them. From her hair to her toenails. Then he talked about complimenting not only physical things which is what I'd want to drive home but then I need to compliment the physical too.
What makes it so tough is feeling fake when I do it so much but I need to say something that compliments my wife. It's not like I don't take notice of things that she does it's just I never actually tell her. I have to change that habit.
Hard to love kids
Another struggle I have right now is acting godly when it doesn't matter to me. I say this because I'm supposed to love as God loves people, whether or not they love me back or even simply receive it. I have one kid at work who will not talk to me or look at me and he acts very, very, very, very immature--he's 15. He's very angry and he's just plain foolish. I don't want to have anything to do with this kid and frankly, that's not exactly what God is asking me to do. But the bare minimum of love is too much and to me, a waste of time. He's not going to receive it anyway. He's going to ignore me and he's going to be rude and think it's okay. And the last thing I want to do is look like, in his eyes, that I want his attention.
( Read more... )
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| Back to Journaling and Talking to God |
[May. 7th, 2012|10:45 pm] |
Life has its way of coming back full circle and I am back here after abandoning LiveJournal for more "pretty" blogging platforms. At the end of the day, LiveJournal is all about journaling and I can appreciate that.
But I'm here to talk about what God has done for me today.
After weeks and weeks of stress and heaviness on my heart about my job and how terrible it is, I decided to ask God for another job. It started out with my job making some changes in the management--not with the people but the way the management ran things. They were "cracking" down on things for the sake of making the place look good by trying to provide us with "trainings." This is what they were called but they were moreso glorified collaboration sessions and a total waste of time.
Before this, I was coaching basketball three days a week and coaching games once a week alongside one of the teachers who worked with me also. Last year, I was excused from the "trainings" because I was coaching which is something I treasured because it was one of the few times I could really help my kids out and teach them about things. But this year, they told me, in the middle of the season, that I had to go to the meetings. It was mandatory. This was that cracking down I was talking about. I was devastated and livid. That was the first nail in the coffin for me.
My co-workers understood my anger and my wife even knew they messed up. By taking the number one method of teaching from me was absolute nonsense! It was such a big deal because we only had practice for 50 minutes three days a week--Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Fridays we had games. So it was never a lot of time to begin with. So to take what little time I had away was awful.
After that, I checked out. My neighbor across the street tried to console me and get me to talk to the Program Supervisor but at that point, I did not even care anymore. The place sucked the life out of me and I was done. Not to mention all the crap management was doing on the unit was foolish, making things too easy on the unit for the kids.
From there, it's been a slew of different things that management has done that has been nailing in the coffin more and more for me. Cutting legs from under staff, lack of support, seemingly unjustified firings, terrible/lack of communication and the list can go on. As people working on the unit, we should have some sort of control of the unit but we do not and they do not let us sometimes.
All of that unexplained wall of text brings me to this: I am tired. I am unmotivated. And I was hopeless.
During all that stuff above, I was trying to stay as close to God as possible. I would talk to Him about my feelings, try to cast my cares on Him and I was learning things but I still seemed to remain weighted down. It was not until tonight where I finally asked God to get me another job. Once I did that, the weighty feeling left. I didn't realize that getting another job was a care of mine.
It was such a simple thing that took me weeks to do. All I had to do was go to God. Jesus said "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." I certainly was not listening because I was weary and heavy and was not coming to Jesus. When I finally did, it wasn't a long conversation. I felt God say, "I heard you. I'll find you something else." That was it. I didn't get rebuked. I didn't talked to. I didn't get told that my heart was wrong. In fact, I understood more than ever that the Lord does hear prayer and that He will answer them. In this case, He answered giving me what I wanted. Apparently, it's what He wants too.
I'm not quitting my job but while I'm there, I'm still going to give it the best I have. Now, what I need to figure out is how I'm going to tell lil 'Rome about this so as to help him out because he wants to leave too. Either way, God does listen and that is comforting. I know my God listens to me. I know I can come to Him and rant and spill my heart out because He knows that I want to be right with Him.
There is no other love like God's. That is for sure. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2010|08:27 am] |
The last two chapters of Judges are saddening to me. The Israelites have no king and at this point, God is not really their king either. The only time I see God even mentioned in these chapters is when they ask God for guidance whether or not to go to war--with one of their own tribes. It was sad because God still helped them but they did whatever they thought was right in their own eyes.
I know I've done that. I've bought things at a bad time, I've executed things that probably shouldn't have been done and all the while, thinking it was the right thing to do. Not seeking the counsel of God. Even now, I'm going on a fast soon but I sought the Lord but I'm still listening to see if He has something different for me.
For me, seeking the Lord can be scary sometimes because I'm afraid He's going to tell me to do something I really, really, really don't want to do. Like something I would loathe. It's kind of the pattern of things I'm used to growing up because I wasn't making right decisions so I'm used to having something and it being removed because of my immaturity and the fact that it was bad for me. But God isn't out to take things away, He's out to add. And if He wants to add more of Himself in my life, then whatever is in the way needs to go at least for a season. It's part of the growing process and it's tough but it makes us all the better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2010|05:24 pm] |
By the time of chapter 17 in Judges, there weren't any kings ruling and because of it, the people were running crazy and doing whatever seemed right in their own eyes according to verse six. Since that was the case, the only thing I figure would be happening is that they're 1). neglecting God and 2). they have no king.
God already let them know that He wanted to be their king yet they constantly rebelled against God. This was not they were struggling to remain in relationship with God, they were blatantly refusing to worship God. They had several idols that they kept worshipping and God had enough.
Before I get off the subject, I want to focus on the fact that Israelites did whatever seemed right in their own sight. They had no one to turn to for guidance and they weren't turning to God for guidance. At this point, there was no rule except the ones they had already been instructed to follow. Therefore, they resorted to their own reasoning and I'm sure their feelings.
I know I've done that quite a bit. Even right now as I wait for the right to marry Gwen, there is a part of me, the fleshly part, that wants to do whatever it thinks is right. But I don't want to move until I have my own struggles down and until the Lord says "Move." Why? Well, God will let me know what is right. Without accountability and going to God, I can say I've done whatever seemed right in my own sight sometimes. Sometimes I knew the word well enough to trust the judgement but it's a pain when I do something right in my own sight and I fall for it.
Moral of this story: I need to wait upon the Lord. He will give me the right direction, timing, etc. |
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